Its 5am and I just got up after laying in the bed awake for an hour. We went to bed at 12 so that leaves me with 4 hours sleep. My body needs the rest but my mind is going 100 mile an hour. I have been in a battle with myself on a daily basis. Necessity makes me get up and head out to work every day, but I can feel my spirit dying as it needs a reprieve from the routine that I am subjected to as a result. I can tell that I need healing, both mentally and physically to undo the damage that has been done from stress and digesting a life that is more in a service of things than for myself and others. A life that doesn’t feed your soul is a living death. We weren’t placed on this earth to work, pay bills and die. It is no wonder most people are miserable below the surface. I regret that I ever bought into the lie that to be someone we must own things and the more we own, the more successful we must be. There are basic needs like food, clothing and shelter but after that we are only working to satisfy ego and the approval of others.
I realize now that the beginning and end of the pursuit of happiness is internal. We can’t truly be satisfied by anything external except for the gratitude from others for who we have done a good turn. We shouldn’t be so busy trying to keep our bills paid that we don’t have time to spend with each other and also alone with ourselves in reflection. There should be no need to escape from our daily lives in order to remain sane. Society dictates that we own too many things and as a result we become enslaved to debt. The dollar becomes our judge and our possessions become the jailers.
In my mind I can hear the sound of Linville Gorge playing over and over from the cliffs of Shortoff; just an untamed wind and the steady distant roar of the river down below. I am in dire need of that place to wash away all in my mind and soul that doesn’t matter.
I figured out a while back that I am “on the spectrum” with Asperger’s syndrome. It isn’t a bad thing, it actually explains a lot and brings me peace. Now I understand so much about myself that was troubling before. I consider it a gift and no longer fight the urge to “fit in.” Outside noise becomes chaos that disrupts my thought process, disturbs my soul, angers me and then I find myself at war with the world. I have more going on inside than out and I’m happy that way, that’s where my balance is.
Dianna and I are currently in the process of rewriting the script for our life to include more of what matters and less of what is “expected”. We hope to open the hearts and minds of others to a simpler, more fulfilling walk on earth. – Larry